The Apology Gap between Men and Women
Small Words, Big Power Differences
Did you know that women apologize more than men?
Researchers Karina Schumann and Michael Ross found that women report apologizing more frequently in everyday life than men[i]. Women are more likely to believe they have done something that warrants an apology, while men are more likely to view the same behaviors as too minor to require one. In other words, the gender gap appears to stem from different thresholds for what calls for an apology.
One reason may be that women are held to higher standards of behavior and punished more harshly when they violate rules. In my research, I found that female characters in fairy tales are punished more often than male characters for breaking rules in cultures around the world. Similar patterns appear in real life. Female lawyers are disciplined more severely than male lawyers for identical ethical violations. And when a patient dies under their care, female doctors receive fewer referrals afterward than male doctors who experience the same outcome[ii]. Women may apologize more because they anticipate harsher consequences for perceived missteps—and because apologizing is expected of them. Apologies can function as a form of social insurance.
Socialization likely plays a role as well. From childhood, girls are often encouraged to maintain harmony, attend to others’ feelings, and repair fractured relationships. Boys, by contrast, are more often encouraged to tolerate conflict or stand their ground. As a result, women may apologize as a matter of course—to keep interactions running smoothly and make things easier for others.
Frequent apologies can strengthen relationships by signaling empathy and responsiveness. They can prevent small irritations from escalating. But habitual apologizing can also carry costs, particularly in professional settings. As Deborah Tannen has argued, excessive apologizing at work can be interpreted as a signal of lower confidence or weaker leadership[iii]. Ironically, because men apologize less often, their apologies can sometimes carry greater weight when they do occur.
A similar dynamic appears with forgiveness. Women also tend to forgive more than men—and society often expects them to. In everyday life, women are frequently encouraged to overlook others’ transgressions and move on. Research has demonstrated this pattern. A meta-analysis of more than seventy studies found that women are, on average, more forgiving than men[iv]. In romantic relationships, both genders tend to agree that women are usually the more forgiving partners[v]. By contrast, men who strongly identify with traditional masculinity—and who are particularly concerned with appearing masculine—tend to forgive less readily[vi].
Taken together, these patterns around apologies and forgiveness reveal a striking dynamic.
If one gender is expected to apologize and forgive more, then they are also doing more of the relational labor required to maintain harmony. Meanwhile, the other gender moves through the same interactions with fewer expectations to acknowledge the impact of their behavior. When one group apologizes more frequently, they are more often placing themselves in the role of the wrongdoer. And the group that apologizes less often will often occupy the role of deciding whether an apology will be accepted.
Over time, these small interactions accumulate. They shape who is seen as accountable, whose behavior is scrutinized, and whose perspective becomes the default. When women are expected to acknowledge more mistakes and overlook more transgressions, they may come to be perceived as having less status in the relationship. Frequent apologizing can signal deference, while withholding apologies can signal authority.
Power is not only about formal authority or overt control. It also operates through everyday expectations about who smooths over conflict, who admits fault, and who receives the benefit of the doubt. When these expectations fall unevenly across genders, small words like “sorry” can quietly reflect and reinforce larger differences in power.
How often do you say sorry?
[i] Schumann, K., & Ross, M. (2010). Why women apologize more than men: Gender differences in thresholds for perceiving offensive behavior. Psychological Science, 21(11), 1649–1655. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610384150
[ii] Beall, A. (2022). Only Prince Charming Gets to Break the Rules: Gender and Rule Violation in Fairy Tales and Life. Independently published.
[iii] Tannen, D. (2013). Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work. William Morrow.
[iv] Miller, Worthington, & McDaniel (2008). Gender and forgiveness: A meta-analytic review and research agenda. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol 27, (8). 843-876.
[v] Philip K& Sharma (2021). Forgiveness in romantic relationships: A comparison across genders. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, Vol 9, (1).
[vi] Hasehhuhn & Ormiston (2024). Fragility and forgiveness: Masculinity concerns affect men’s willingness to forgive. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Vol 114.
So interesting. My young daughter says "sorry" more often (and I frequently tell her she doesn't have to apologize) but my young son has more heartfelt apologies. So interesting to unpack where these patterns come from. Thank you!
Oh, Anne, I have a LOT of big feelings reading this! I was raised to constantly monitor my behavior, and every small infraction meant I was expected to apologize - which I did. Only in the last couple of years have I learned what is truly mine to own and repair, and what is actually the other person's problem rather than mine. Mostly, I feel angry that it seems we, as women, just can't get a break no matter what we do. It's either never enough or too much.