The Hidden Cost of Forgiveness for Women
Note: This piece mentions sexual assault.
Recently, I watched a documentary called Alison, about a woman in South Africa who survived a brutal assault. Alison Botha was raped, stabbed multiple times, and left for dead by two men. Miraculously, she survived and later testified against her assailants in court. They were sentenced to life in prison. Her recovery, both physical and emotional, was extraordinary. She eventually became a motivational speaker, and her strength moved me to tears.
But toward the end of the film, one of her attackers demanded she participate in a program where victims meet their perpetrators and offer forgiveness. Alison refused.
I applaud that decision.
And yet, we live in a culture that insists forgiveness is virtuous—no matter the crime. We’ve all seen the stories about people who have lost someone who eventually forgives the perpetrator. Many victims are often encouraged to “let go” and “move on.” Forgiveness is praised as a kind of personal liberation—a sign of inner peace. Researchers have shown that forgiveness is correlated with lower stress, better health outcomes, and psychological well-being. But I began to wonder: Who is actually expected to forgive? And who benefits most when they do?
I suspected the answer is women, far more than men.
This realization took root while I was thinking about fairy tales. Many of us grow up hearing stories that feel comforting and familiar, even moral. But when you look more closely, a different message emerges—especially around how women are taught to respond to harm.
Take Beauty and the Beast. The Beast isn’t just physically monstrous, he’s cruel. He locks up Belle’s father and extorts a promise from her in exchange for his release. He isolates her, controls her movements, and lashes out in anger. In some of the earlier versions of the tale, Belle believes he will kill her. And yet over time, she forgives him. Loves him, even. Her love is what transforms him, and the story frames this as a romantic triumph. But is it?
To me, it feels disturbingly close to Stockholm syndrome: a psychological response where hostages come to identify with and even defend their captors. Yet we’re taught that Belle’s forgiveness and love are beautiful. Transformative. Noble. That her emotional labor is what saves him.
And then people say, “It’s just a fairy tale.”
Cinderella tells a similar story. She is abused by her stepmother and stepsisters, overlooked by her father (who, in the original Grimm version, is complicit in her mistreatment), and forced into servitude. She endures it all in silence. When her fortunes change thanks to magical intervention, she rises without ever holding her abusers accountable. No revenge. No reckoning. Just a graceful exit into royalty.
Why?
Because that’s the story we give girls over and over again: Suffer quietly, endure injustice, and then forgive.
And this doesn’t stay confined to fairy tales.
In real life, women are more likely to be encouraged and expected to forgive. A meta-analysis of over seventy studies found that women tend to be more forgiving than men[i]. In romantic relationships, both men and women agree that women are the more forgiving partners[ii]. And men who strongly identify with traditional masculinity—and who are concerned with appearing masculine—tend to forgive less[iii]. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is most commonly found among feminine women and androgynous men.[iv]. Apparently in many contexts, forgiveness is perceived as “feminine” and as a result, women are expected to forgive more than men.
That might seem like a harmless gender difference, but it’s not.
Because when forgiveness becomes gendered, it stops being a choice and starts becoming a social obligation. And when that happens, it can be exploited.
When one of Alison Botha’s assailants demanded forgiveness—and even went so far as to claim a share of her book royalties—it was not about healing. It was a power play. A tactic to gain parole. An attempt to rewrite his story, to make himself a reformed figure worthy of mercy. In demanding forgiveness, he placed the burden of his redemption on her shoulders.
Forgiveness, in that context, wasn’t healing. It was coercion.
And that raises a deeper question: What are we actually saying when we forgive someone? In one psychological study, researchers found that most people define forgiveness as “letting go” of anger or resentment—and choosing not to bring up the offense again. In practice, that often means acting as if the harm never happened.
If forgiveness functions as emotional amnesty—silence, acceptance, or even reconciliation—what does it cost those who’ve been deeply hurt?
And what does it mean when women are pushed to do it more than men?
It means this: women are expected to absorb the pain. To smooth it over. To show grace, even they have been violated. To be the better person—for everyone’s comfort but their own.
In this way, forgiveness becomes a tool of normalization. It keeps harmful systems—abuse, sexism, violence—intact and unchallenged. It asks victims to minimize their suffering for the sake of social harmony. It offers perpetrators a path to redemption without requiring real accountability.
Let me be clear: forgiveness can be powerful. It can bring peace, healing, and closure. But only when it’s a choice—not a duty. Only when it serves the person who was harmed, not the one who caused the harm.
That’s the problem with the way forgiveness is framed in our culture, especially for women. It’s not really about freedom. It’s about control.
So maybe it’s time we rewrite the fairy tales. Not every Beast deserves redemption. Not every hurt can be forgiven.
When one gender is expected to forgive more than another, we’re not just asking for compassion. We’re asking for compliance. For endurance. For silence. And by forgiving more, women are trained to tolerate more.
Maybe the most radical thing a woman can say is: I don’t forgive you.
Because some things aren’t forgivable.
[i] Miller, Worthington, & McDaniel (2008). Gender and forgiveness: A meta-analytic review and research agenda. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol 27, (8). 843-876.
[ii] Philip K& Sharma (2021). Forgiveness in romantic relationships: A comparison across genders. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, Vol 9, (1).
[iii] Hasehhuhn & Ormiston (2024). Fragility and forgiveness: Masculinity concerns affect men’s willingness to forgive. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Vol 114.
[iv] Sidelinger, Frisby, and McMullen (2009). The decision to forgive: Sex, gender, and the likelihood ot forgive partner transgressions. Communication Studies, Vol 60 (2). 164-179.
I agree with what you said and every word of it needs to be shouted from the rooftops!
I'll just add that it is often useful to think of forgiveness as one thing and reconciliation quite another. Forgiveness is something that the recipient of harmful and/or unjust treatment can do for themselves . . . so that they don't keep chewing on the rancid cud of resentment, which is soul-sapping and only further hurts the one who is already hurting. But letting go of the resentment is a longish process most of the time because of the "sweetness" of the revenge fantasies. This sort of forgiveness represents a decision to not allow the offender to live rent-free in one's head and heart.
When it comes to the person or group who has done the victimizing, offering forgiveness might be seen as a possible element in the process of reconciliation. But there can be no reconciliation with someone who has not come to understand that their egregious behavior was wrong and something that they wish never to do again. The offer of forgiveness to the offender might enable them to advance in their own growth. That offer might go like this: "I will not continue to hate you for what you did. I wish you well on your own journey of becoming a better human being." But that forgiveness does not ever mean, "Aww, it's okay, etc." No, it was never okay. It never will be. Whether or not there is any further contact with the offender should depend on a careful assessment about the safety of permitting such contact. It's often well to consult with trusted friends or a counselor before making such a decision. Then, and only then, is it emotionally safe and relationally appropriate for some sort of reconciliation to take place.
-- Jim Truxell
Compulsory forgiveness is just another way to bully women. Loved this piece. So relevant to this moment.