I have spent so much time looking back at our decision to buy a hotel and asking myself “how did we not see what was coming?”
We literally completed on a 109 bedroom hotel a month before Covid hit. Looking back it is so easy to torture yourself and search for all the little signs you think you missed.
But the truth is we didn’t have the ending when we were standing at the beginning. We had a dream, a plan and made the decision with the information we had at that moment.
None of us get a crystal ball, even though we sometimes expect our past selves to have had one.
Thank you for this reminder to be kinder to the person we were then 🌹
I’m so glad it made you revisit that decision with some compassion. We can never k is the future, and yet we somehow believe we can. Thank you for reading.
So interesting. What strikes me is our tendency to construct a narrative around things — a story that makes sense, even when that narrative depends on the omission of any parts that don’t ’fit in.’
What a great piece, Anne. I know I am certainly guilty of this. It is so easy to look back and wonder how we could not see what later became clear. We don’t know what we don’t know.
What we identify as failures or mistakes can also pave the way for real growth when we reflect on them and take the right lessons from the experiences.
Anne, you put into words something I've been wrestling with. I didn't realize there was a term (hindsight bias) for thinking "I should have known better" when things fall apart. At the same time, it makes sense that there's no way for any of us to truly understand the trajectory of a decision, especially when it is long-term. I recognize much of what you wrote about your former domestic partnership; I am dealing with so many of the same issues. I can't deny that I feel gobsmacked and blindsided. I've been wracking my memory to find warning signs, but the truth is, I had no way of knowing how he would change--or how I would change. And here we are, almost 20 years later with 5 kids. It's complicated. I wish it weren't.
Thank you for the thoughtfulness and research you put into everything you write!
And thank you so much for reading my pieces. We cannot know the future and how people will react to different life events. It's impossible to really know if a decision is good for our future selves. We only know for the present. And that's the difficulty in it all.
The clarity comes from what came after the decision was made. I wonder too how much hope is at play here--we are so hopeful when we begin new projects, jobs, relationships--as much as I love thinking about hope as a positive thing--as something we can learn and practice--could it be a hindrance to accepting reality--what is right in front of us--the old furniture??
I do think hope is an interesting emotion that changes how we view things. But sadly, it's a necessity for making decisions. Thanks so much for reading.
Oh this really made me think.
I have spent so much time looking back at our decision to buy a hotel and asking myself “how did we not see what was coming?”
We literally completed on a 109 bedroom hotel a month before Covid hit. Looking back it is so easy to torture yourself and search for all the little signs you think you missed.
But the truth is we didn’t have the ending when we were standing at the beginning. We had a dream, a plan and made the decision with the information we had at that moment.
None of us get a crystal ball, even though we sometimes expect our past selves to have had one.
Thank you for this reminder to be kinder to the person we were then 🌹
I’m so glad it made you revisit that decision with some compassion. We can never k is the future, and yet we somehow believe we can. Thank you for reading.
So interesting. What strikes me is our tendency to construct a narrative around things — a story that makes sense, even when that narrative depends on the omission of any parts that don’t ’fit in.’
Yes. It’s a clear story in the end, but life is never really like that. Thanks so much for reading.
So good, Anne. I love, "We remember the warning signs and forget the reasons we were hopeful. We remember the red flags and forget the green ones."
I'm guilty of this for sure! Thanks for granting me some compassion for my younger self!
Thanks so much for reading. Yes, we remember the Fred flags and forget the green ones. Glad you loved that line.
What a great piece, Anne. I know I am certainly guilty of this. It is so easy to look back and wonder how we could not see what later became clear. We don’t know what we don’t know.
What we identify as failures or mistakes can also pave the way for real growth when we reflect on them and take the right lessons from the experiences.
Thanks so much! I agree about learning for next time. Sadly, the exact same circumstances don't always present themselves, but the lessons do apply.
Hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is 20/200
Anne, you put into words something I've been wrestling with. I didn't realize there was a term (hindsight bias) for thinking "I should have known better" when things fall apart. At the same time, it makes sense that there's no way for any of us to truly understand the trajectory of a decision, especially when it is long-term. I recognize much of what you wrote about your former domestic partnership; I am dealing with so many of the same issues. I can't deny that I feel gobsmacked and blindsided. I've been wracking my memory to find warning signs, but the truth is, I had no way of knowing how he would change--or how I would change. And here we are, almost 20 years later with 5 kids. It's complicated. I wish it weren't.
Thank you for the thoughtfulness and research you put into everything you write!
And thank you so much for reading my pieces. We cannot know the future and how people will react to different life events. It's impossible to really know if a decision is good for our future selves. We only know for the present. And that's the difficulty in it all.
Wonderful essay, thank you.
So glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.
The clarity comes from what came after the decision was made. I wonder too how much hope is at play here--we are so hopeful when we begin new projects, jobs, relationships--as much as I love thinking about hope as a positive thing--as something we can learn and practice--could it be a hindrance to accepting reality--what is right in front of us--the old furniture??
I do think hope is an interesting emotion that changes how we view things. But sadly, it's a necessity for making decisions. Thanks so much for reading.
Outstanding post! You stated what I had suspected. Yet, I still call myself ignorant for not knowing... back then.
Thanks so much for reading. Glad it resonated with you.